vergeltung | 𝐎𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭

[ In response to his words, Eula smiles, although at the point the expression is somewhat strained. She knows nothing of his thoughts, only her own, but even in her ignorance her mind travels along much the same line as his, with her brain focused laser-sharp on the shape of his mouth, the expression in his eyes, on the gentle strength in the arms that are wrapped around her.

It would be so easy to close the little gap between them in a way that would infuriate every last hopeful bachelorette in Mondstadt, and yet—

He mentions the blizzard, and it pulls her back to the reality of their situation, leaving her internally cursing herself for being so easily swayed into fantasy yet again. She feels her cheeks heat, a wild, worried thought that perhaps he can see through her, that he knows what's on her mind... ]

It does. It seems that we have no choice but to settle in here for the night.

[ A frown, because that is certainly not going to help things. Another black checkmark for Jean, then.

(And one for Kaeya. One for Diluc, for— well, for whatever this is. And perhaps even one for herself, for not being adequately prepared for this excursion.) ]

Yet another secret we'll both be forced to keep. [ Her laugh sounds hollow, echoing the tired frustration written over her face. ] Although at this point, what's one more to the list?

(If only she knew he's still stuck thinking of the same thing she was earlier with getting lost in these things. He's simply trying to stop himself from acting on it himself given that he didn't know just what her reaction would have been; as Kaeya would call it this is a perfect scenario for them both. Both famous and infamous scions of Mondstadt with such glaring similarities beginning to realize their tension runs deeper than just dislike and aloofness.

Whilst likely telling them that there is no harm in them surrendering themselves before he winds up removed from this cavern... by Diluc deciding to hit him no less from his already thin patience due to their current state reaching a boiling point to be unable to stop himself from that.

But she's right, unfortunately. They would have to settle there.)

... and it being hopefully done with by morning would be fantastic.

(Forced to settle, forced to deal with building thoughts though he did not know she was seriously considering kissing him either. He's trying to force his eyes to not linger on her lips in front of her too; had she found out just what is running through his head he's certain that he's not going to leave this cave 'fine'.

Of course that depends on whatever she does to him too in response. Her revenge is something he long since ironically decided he did not want to be on the receiving end of.)

[ Another gust of cold wind around the cave has Eula pressing in close once more— and on one hand, it's a good thing because she doesn't have to look at his face anymore; on the other, the closeness is just further in the direction of opposite what she's felt comfortable with from the beginning of this.

(Of course, deep down, what Eula feels comfortable with and what she wants are two entirely different things, at this point, but that's a thought aggressively shoved to the side even as her face heats all over again.) ]

Agreed. We both have our reasons for being up here, after all.

[ Secrets to keep. ]

I hope you realize at this point, however, that you won't be able to shake me off so easily. [ And for a single moment, perhaps, the words almost sound nice. But she's pausing only for a breath, her words continuing in the next: ] This evening alone, you've committed enough transgressions that merely planning vengeance from afar is no longer good enough.

[ And the thing is... for Eula, this is about as nice as she's likely to get, at least on the surface. While her belief in and need for vengeance are both true things, there's also the fact that— while she'll never admit it— it's also part of the shell she's formed around herself, allowing herself to get closer to people even while keeping them at arm's length. She's done it with Amber, she's done it with the Traveler—

She refuses to consider it might be what she's doing with Diluc right now. (She refuses to acknowledge it's what she's already done with the two of them.) ]

(Damn it. Of course she's up further against him whenever he's trying to not focus on the thought though he is grateful that he would not dare think of kissing her in this state now that her face is hidden. What a relief in that regard though his resonance was likely helping her at this point from what closeness she's getting.

Even if he didn't know what else he could do to remotely enable that heat of his to go throughout her body without pushing certain boundaries further. It's nothing more than just this he can do with holding her; with truly just making certain she survives the night knowing her life is more at risk than his own.)

... does that mean you intend to follow me after this? (Somehow he has a gut feeling that she is going to find out the truth of his reasons for being there through that. But, he's worried, he isn't certain what she might do now that she intends to be closer and she is in fact unpredictable in how her vengeance can go. This was the variable he in fact had been hoping to avoid earlier.) Then if you're going to track me, not a word of what you see is meant to be spoken to others.

(His tone though tired was far more serious than earlier. He won't tell her the truth but the moment she sees him there, enacting his own dance in his own way with the Gravestone she'll likely know. He knew he should have taken another sword but it's far too late to regret his decision.

She'll just have to take it to the grave with her as he will alone.)

[ She shakes her head— and she certainly doesn't mean it to, but the breath of her laugh gusts over his throat, her lips curving into an amused smile. ]

I have no intention of following you, Ragnvindr. I have my own objectives to deal with, remember?

[ How is she supposed to explain what she means without it sounding— ]

I mean only that the feud between us is now something longer term.

[ Never mind that poor Diluc probably didn't realize they had a feud between them in the first place... But when casual disinterest turns so quickly into attraction, how can this be anything but?

(Never mind that disinterest has turned into its exact opposite, her curiosity once again piqued by the knowledge that he's doing something so clandestine...) ]

As such, I am affording you the courtesy of letting you know that in the future— [ She pauses, shaking her head. ] Know only that I will be keeping a closer eye on you than before.

[ Of course, the words might sound more threatening if she wasn't literally trembling of cold in his arms. (And yet, despite all that, she would argue if asked that she is fine.) ]

Edited 2022-11-05 04:52 (UTC)

(Feud? That raises a brow, they have a feud? He thought as far as his feuds goes it lies with Fatui and the Order; not with whatever it is that Eula felt he has done to wrong her if anything. Though he's not necessarily questioning it further as he resists the urge to shudder at the feeling of her laughing over his throat. His neck being discovered to be a sensitive spot, by him as well just now at that, won't go over well.

Though somehow the thought of him having to keep on his toes more due to her not being far behind him isn't necessarily a bad thing. Somehow this ironically made sneaking around to get into position as the Darklight Hero without notice all the more entertaining in general... gods he sounds like Kaeya there, he'd rather stick his head into burning lava than sound like him.

But he's hoping that he's not spotted in his own mission. His objectives are the same and if she were to discover that it'd get far more worse knowing the possibility of his identity leaking if she were to decide to do it. He'll have to be far more careful.)

So, shall I take this to mean that I should prepare a seat for you at the Angel's Share more frequently if any? (A pause.) Or should I prepare for unexpected visits at the Winery? (Unlike Kaeya's own, (he hated to admit this also), hers would be far more welcomed though he's attempting to keep it hidden as he normally does.

So far it seems to be working since it isn't like she'll notice any changes in his demeanor or expression.)

Though I'd welcome the visits there at the Angel's Share, only if you promise to remove Kaeya from there since he frequently visits to avoid his duties.

(He is in fact going to be petty. Within reason of course.)

[ Another laugh, which isn't exactly the most ideal thing for him, even though she doesn't know that. At this point, perhaps the only way to make it easier for him is for her to pull away— and yet the cold still coursing too-powerfully through her veins, active despite his heat surrounding and holding her, means that she's not likely to do that anytime soon, despite her own marked discomfort. ]

I'll agree to that deal. [ After all, while the Cavalry Captain is no longer as high on her list of vengeance as Diluc is, the effect in this case is somewhat opposite of what someone might otherwise expect. Of course, it helps that she is part of the same organization as Kaeya, meaning she has a reason to be frustrated by any avoidance of his duties. Being in separate areas, it's not that it creates extra work for her, not really, but it's the principle of the thing.

Everyone knows that Eula is big on principles. ]

Besides, if anyone is liable to make too much noise about my surveilling you, it will be Captain Alberich. I would also rather him not be there.

[ They have, after all, already discussed why neither of them wants any of this getting out. And while the same physical closeness would hardly occur at the Angel's Share of all places, Eula's more frequent presence would be enough to draw unwanted attention, if they're not careful. ]

(Strangely easy enough. He can't say that he minds it however, the chance of being able to get a break from dealing with his estranged brother is more than welcomed. Really he'd have not mentioned it had Kaeya not used the bar to avoid doing anything more than drinking, flirting, and then leaving with whatever woman he chose for the evening with poetry in his voice and tones whilst flirting. It only served to agitate him that he did that.

His own discomfort aside due to her accidentally finding a sensitive spot on him, he'll have to remember that she'll be there more often. He may not know what she drinks typically but he does know that he should be ready for any sort of thing to happen from her decision to watch his movements closely.

Part of him wondered how she'd react to learning he's near died on multiple occasions now. Better yet, she might near wring his neck at learning that his earlier statement of refusing to stay down when attacked stemmed from almost dying. Perhaps for the best she hasn't uncovered his arm scars yet or caught wind of the others on him.)

That's normal sadly for him. I've seen him on occasion also attempt to flirt with Sister Rosaria too since she also frequents the bar; I suppose that however isn't a surprise since she always is caught smoking outside the Cathedral much to the dismay of the other sisters and Barbara.

(And Diluc had a feeling she knows about his late night activities based off how she stares at him.)

Edited 2022-11-05 05:50 (UTC)

[ The comment is met with yet another soft peal of laughter, and Eula shakes her head. Admittedly, she's a little annoyed: there aren't many people who can make her laugh easily, and yet right now it seems like she can't stop laughing. It's easy enough to blame it on the numbness the cold has created through her body, even if that makes no logical sense, and yet she still can't help but file it away as another point against Diluc Ragnvindr, as if somehow the whole thing is entirely his fault. ]

Sister Rosaria, hm? While I am entirely sure she can handle herself, I can't help but feel a little sorry for her.

[ Of course, it's not that Kaeya isn't an attractive man— quite the contrary, really. But his general attitude toward everything works against him, as far as Eula's concerned; the irritating parts of his personality shine through too clearly for attraction to be an issue for long. ]

I have been on that side of his attentions myself... for all his reputation, though, he was surprisingly easy to frighten off.

[ Is that a hint of bitterness in her voice at the end there? She would deny it if asked, of course, but the water that flows under the ice cage of her heart is more bothered than she would like. After all, it always comes down to the same thing, doesn't it? ]

Although I can hardly blame him, what with my own reputation.

(There's a frown. He knows Kaeya, he hates saying it perhaps sure but he knows his estranged sibling well. Reputation doesn't stop him. The only thing that does stop him is quite literally a nice threat to either his family jewels, his face, or really him being given obvious hints his target for his romantic endeavors is about to get violent or mouthy at him over his unwelcome advances. For him to stop easily there had to be other factors in mind.

He may hate admitting these things sure, but, that didn't stop him from sighing about it in a choice to reluctantly defend his brother just a little. Diluc hates it but he might as well unfortunately.)

... Kaeya ironically doesn't care for reputation, however he does care for well placed threats and hints being given directly in front of his face. Knowing him he'll likely try again when you least expect it.

(After all, he's hit multiple times on Rosaria and only paused when she made it clear she was not in the mood. Whenever her mood was somewhat better the next day however that was another story; though this did not stop Diluc from hating every second of it knowing that he was trying to use his bar for 'dates' instead of either leaving or doing his duties.

It really did get more agitating than he cared to let on but there's not much he can say or do there. Kaeya does whatever he pleases and that simply meant he had to grit his teeth and bear with it even if he didn't want to.)

And don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning his actions, I've just see how often he flirts. He stops if he knows he won't get anywhere there or if whoever he's pursuing isn't in the mood.

Rosaria made him learn that lesson harshly at one point and I still don't think I found all the glass from that bottle she broke to prove her point.

(Though his tone had a hint of irritation one may chalk up to his brothers antics... for some reason the thought of him flirting with her was starting to get under his skin a little. He's just going to be glad that she wouldn't notice it though he has no idea how to feel about it.

Eula isn't even romantically involved with him so why would he feel like this? Not that Diluc could answer it or cared to find out yet.)

[ The statement makes her brows raise, and leaves her cheeks hot, and for a moment or two she thinks maybe she should defend herself, explain that she wasn't actually upset by Kaeya being easily scared off, and quite frankly how dare Diluc for thinking as much— and worse, going so far as to comfort her—

She says nothing further on the topic, though; instead she just frowns again, holding her tongue and her frustration alike in the hopes both will simmer away. Still, she mentally adds another black mark to Diluc's quickly-growing tally.

(He should be careful, she thinks; at this rate he's going to be causing more trouble for himself with her than even the Traveler has...)

When she does speak again, the topic is brought slightly askew, a response to the irritation in his voice— and how could she blame him for that? It must be incredibly frustrating to try doing business with someone constantly driving away your customers with their flirtatious attitude. ]

If he is truly that much of an annoyance, then it will be doubly my pleasure to remove him from your establishment. And if he proves to be too difficult, I have no doubt that Sister Rosaria would be all too glad to assist also.

[ A slight smile sneaks into her voice as she says it, followed by a chuckle on her lips at the thought of teaming up with the other tall, ice cold woman in the name of tossing Mondstadt's most notorious flirt out into the night-lit street. On his ass. ]

(Though it was more he was saying it to explain sadly his brothers antics, not to comfort her, he did not know what he caused nor did he know what was going through her head about the subject. He's more or less bringing to light how Kaeya is even if he dislikes all of it. His flirting still remains the worst he's dealt with and annoys himself greatly though the underlying thought is still lingering.

He'll just have to avoid her learning that the thought of his brother flirting with her has irritated him further. But it did make him blink for a brief moment that she is planning to recruit Rosaria's assistance if it comes down to it in an attempt of removing really his problem in the form of Kaeya's mouth. That caught him off guard.

It's a good thing probably she won't say much about Diluc's other activities or so he assumes in Rosaria's case. Then again he even keeps quiet on her own with the number of times the two of them did ironically assist one another with cleaning up the streets under the noses of everyone... often times thanks to that he did send her vintages she'd like in secret.)

And I'll thank you for that, both of you really. I do think she gets as tired of it but doesn't say anything since she's attempting to simply unwind for the evening.

(This being of course before she goes out hunting down whoever she's pursuing for the night if not multiple people she's uncovered she wants to take care of.)

Of course. And shouldn't everyone be allowed to enjoy a night unwinding in peace and quiet?

[ Perhaps there's something ironic in the statement, given that she figures— based on how long it's been sitting here with him— that night has fallen, and yet neither of them is getting any real peace and quiet, what with the blizzard having forced them to be so much in each other's space. Worse still is the fact that she's come to find herself quite comfortable in his arms, despite him holding her as he would a lover, despite her face being pressed into his neck the way she imagines some shy, flighty thing would with a protector.

She does not want to think about what that means, or why she's feeling the way she is. Which means... more conversation is needed, right? If they're not talking, she'll be stuck inside her thoughts, and that's not where she wants to be right now.

The problem, of course, is that neither of them is a particularly strong conversationalist.

She sighs.

If she can't keep the conversation light, she can at least talk about something important: ]

...We have to sleep at some point.

[ She regrets the words the second they leave her mouth, and it's enough for the sentence to stop there, abruptly, even though her tone indicates that there was more originally planned for her to say. ]

(Even as he lays there, his mind starts to wander again. In the end it feels all the more inevitable that she would show up whenever he's working the bar yet he's not certain on if someone may notice his change in demeanor if he does keep his unwelcome presence there longer than necessary. His thoughts currently weren't helping any of it with going back and forth on wondering how far they may perhaps push their boundaries. He did not see her as someone to be protected thankfully.

No, he saw her as herself. Eula Lawrence who pushes herself beyond her limits all to carry the weight of her actions and wish on her shoulders; if anything he feels as if he looks nothing like the picture he paints of himself to the eyes of others currently. The uncrowned monarch, untouchable by many, desired by many even. But that seems forgotten in this moment between them.

The growing thoughts of a man starving for affection, love even, aside, he's racking his brain in an attempt to help. He is never one for idle chatter unless it's dragged out of him from his old self; which does little to stop him from feeling as if he's growing more frustrated between this and thoughts of Kaeya flirting with her in front of him.

Again, he curses his luck, he curses his brother, and he especially curses that side of him that he neglects to drive himself further and further into his work, into the ground.

All because of him... all because of her.)

... I can try to keep watch instead unless you want to like this.

(He won't press her on it, he didn't think he can sleep in this state to begin with so he'll force himself to focus on the outside blizzard in an attempt to clear his thoughts.

He'll notice anyway if something gets too close for comfort.)

[ The comment he makes is enough for her to unwind her arms from around him, to use the flat of his chest for leverage to push herself back— because she needs to push; her body refuses to cooperate with the idea of her pulling away— forming enough distance between them that she can frown at him even as a full-body shudder works its way through her, the cold instantly filling the space— and her.

The purple-yellow of her eyes search the deep red of his even as she shakes her head, her displeasure making itself clear on her face. ]

Anything sufficiently dangerous would have to survive the blizzard before even finding us, Ragnvindr. If you want to keep watch, do it from here, where it's warmer.

[ The entire truth of it— that she would right now sooner stay warm than have her safety guaranteed— is a secret kept between her lips. And as for the thoughts which surface, that she's enjoying the closeness, she stifles those before they can even get far enough to consider.

Damn him for making her weak. ]

We both should try to get some kind of rest, anyway. So what if we take shifts?

[ Being conscious at all isn't an entirely thrilling thought right now when she would much rather pass out and forget every single little thing that has happened this evening. But despite the hazard of the storm outside, all her training and knowledge tells her that he's right, that at least one of them should be awake at all times—

As long as it's from here, so she can stay warm. ]

... that's my point, I would stay near then since I'm the one capable of providing greater warmth however, there is still beasts capable of surviving the blizzards in Dragonspine. And no I am not claiming that you have to force yourself to part over it given it's at a point for us we'd freeze to death.

(And he's being truthful about it despite him also hating the fact that she forced some form of distance due to that side of him wanting her to stay in his arms. He's trying to not show he's getting cold from the distance himself but it is getting apparent his resonance would not help him alone the further this gets dragged out.

Though he'd hate to see what can outlast a blizzard amongst the wildlife in Dragonspine if any still exists currently out there. Better yet if it turned out to be an Abyss Mage then there would in deeper trouble... especially if it's one of their hydro infused ones. He'd have not been able to life a finger for the two of them without it near killing him again; though being the one frozen to a point instead of her would be fine with him.

He can handle being sick for a change despite himself.)

I can handle the first shift, I don't know what can survive this but the elements themselves are often times capable of producing really anything far more dangerous than usual. I've seen Ruin Guards after all that were abnormal here before...

(And he's not going to mention he's fought them too. All she has to know is that he's seen them, though the risk of her finding out anything deeper remains too. He can at least keep her warm in his sleep after to give her opportunity to rest first.

He isn't certain if he can fall asleep to begin with involving the way his thoughts were trailing back and forth. He'd have to hope that if they wind up in compromising positions he can explain himself knowing he is not the type to do so willingly.)

I'm more worried about the possibility of one of them finding us if not anything worse showing itself. (And as part of his unsaid point which he thought of earlier, Hydro Mages. Really anything still living and capable of that is enough to make him wary knowing the risks of much worse that can happen.)

...Mm.

[ She tries not to bristle too much at the way he speaks, knowing by now this is just who he is and not a slight against her, even if her own experiences mean that she can't help but want to interpret it that way. It doesn't help that she's already shivering again, because the closeness was driving her crazy in other ways and she's not sure how much longer she can handle it for—

But if she's asleep, that will help, surely.

She nods. ]

At least Ruin Guards and their ilk are more likely to guard from a stationary position than come hunting for us. But I understand your point.

[ With that said, she moves to lie down, and there's a sharp hiss from between her lips when her back touches the cold stone even through the material of their combined bed rolls; another shudder runs through her, its strength making it visible despite her best efforts to conceal it, and she curls up tighter against herself, drinking in as much of his warmth as she can from here without needing to practically lie on him. ]

Wake me after four hours.

[ Her tone is sharp, colder than it should be by rights, given how long they have sat here talking. Yet that strange need to protect herself has resurfaced, freezing a cage around her the moment she forced herself further away from his warmth. ]

And if you need to move to get more comfortable, do so now. If you wake me early, the vengeance visited on you will not be pleasant.

[ With that said, she closes her eyes, willing sleep to come. ]

(Though he did move just close enough to enable her to get more from his resonance, he said nothing more and laid still with his eyes focusing on outside the cave. His back is turned to her this time to enable him to focus without distraction or so he hopes despite the thoughts driving him insane; he can ignore them like this and he supposed that this also allows her to not have to look much at him too.

A quiet sigh to himself later, this is going to be a long four hours but he knew he can't sleep easily like this. The Gravestone was firmly planted near by him too in case if he had to be up quickly though he suspected that he may not have to be as worried. Really the suggestion was so that he can give himself time to think up excuses to give Kaeya later if absolutely necessary.

He knew he'd be all over something like this.

So Diluc for now would take the lonely yet quiet vigil as he always has. She made it obvious by how she forced herself apart from him in her tone and in the way she reacted. He'll do as he set out to do and simply keep quiet about all of it then in the end without a second thought even if he did have to wonder if she'd ever let that cage melt to himself.

... not even long after that he shook the thought off immediately. He really shouldn't allow himself to think this way knowing that the two of them have no reason to dare think of one another in such ways.)

...

(Now to figure out how he can pass the time while laying there to stay awake with since even his mind could start to grow tired enough the thoughts would seem distant.)

[ The worst part of it all is that despite having just told him she was going to sleep... Eula can't sleep. For the better part of an hour, she lies there, unmoving, her eyes shut and her breathing even, as if the stillness will work a kind of magic and lull her to sleep.

It doesn't.

Rather, her head spends the time sorting through those same thoughts that she's already shoved away, thoughts on which she would rather not focus, thoughts too soft and weak for her liking, the exact kind of wonderings that made her want to retreat into unconsciousness in the first place, wonderings made more of water than ice.

His fault, she decides, the thought bitter as it passes; only through fire can ice melt, after all. But deep down, she knows that's not true, no matter how loathe she is to admit it, no matter how instantly she tries to reject the thought as it surfaces.

She's lonely, that's all. She's been lonely for quite some time now.

That's just how it is, being an outcast not only from society, but from one's own family. And it's not like she does anything to help matters; she prefers it like this— at least that's what she tells herself, even now— it makes it easier to pursue the vengeance she seeks.

Or is it the other way around— is her "vengeance" just another tool to keep people at a distance?

Keeping her from getting hurt.

Fall asleep, damnit.

She sighs, the sound sudden in the near-silent interior of the cave, an obvious contrast from the roaring storm outside. And then her cheeks heat, her body tensing.

With any luck, Diluc will just think it's a sound made in her sleep, and not the stupid existential crisis it apparently really is. ]

(He's only half paying attention thankfully for her. He isn't paying her any attention to be more specific however with him silently staring off into space as if trying to will himself into pushing her presence out of his mind; the thoughts still were there to his immense displeasure. Thoughts of holding her, thoughts of her lips, thoughts of how much he'd hate to see his estranged brother flirting with her.

He hates it.

His heats growing more at the third thought but he forced himself to control himself again knowing that she would not be happy if he wakes her this soon. His emotions are in turmoil. The thought of her piercing through his well crafted walls only made them attempt to thicken despite the wish of his love deprived heart begging him to pursue this further knowing she did not view him the way his suitors might.

He hates all of it.

This isn't something he should be, he needed to force himself away from her yet his tiredness from the loneliness is resurfacing. He's always forced himself at arms length. To be alone was simply part of his life's work and something he always had to accept no matter circumstances presented before him.

With any luck she may not be disturbed and realize that his heats going back and forth from the thoughts agitating him. From really all of it agitating him in general.

...

Curse these thoughts. Diluc really did not want her to see through him or to learn just what is running through his head in such ways.)

[ No doubt if she were asleep, she wouldn't notice the fluctuating temperature coming from the back pressed up against hers— but she's not asleep, that's the whole damn problem.

For a moment, she thinks to just ignore it— after all, he doesn't seem to have noticed the sigh, doesn't seem to be aware that she's awake, and she still has hours left of her rest; she should try to use it, try to get even some small amount of sleep— ]

Ragnvindr. Is everything alright?

[ She addresses him before she even realizes she's made a decision, and her eyes close in frustration at herself; she's pretty sure there's a headache forming behind her brows even as she speaks. But her tone, at least, if he listens to it, is even, with no anger directed at him.

(No, right now the only anger she has is directed at her own foolish, traitorous thoughts.) ]

If you are getting cold, we can move until you're comfortable again.

[ That, after all, is the only guess she can make at the sudden changes in his body temperature— although if he has the strength to force himself to warm up, she'll be impressed. She's never heard of such a thing. But not knowing what's going on in his mind, it's the only thought she has. ]

...

(He isn't awake alone after all, again he sighs about it. He didn't detect anger in her tone and yet he's rubbing his temples; this is suppose to be his attempt at forcing some form of distance and yet it's failing.

He was suppose to come up with an excuse for later to hide all of this and yet the thoughts were not going his way either. Perhaps it's why he gave up just a little for once.)

... just more annoyed at myself.

(Answering the specifics of it is not on his agenda but there's no use hiding that part of it. He isn't sure if he could even tell her why he's annoyed at himself without her being upset.

So he'll give her this much without offering the full extent of his thoughts that are pertaining to her now. She didn't have to know or so he thinks.

He'll just attempt to keep it to himself unless she somehow manages to without realizing make him talk about it. Though that would more be a feat from what he's noticed of the way the two of them act; a feat for the ages that she managed to make Diluc Ragnvindr as he is now speak his mind without hiding it.)

Annoyed? At yourself?

[ Eula can't help it; she laughs again, the sound more of a chuckle in the blackness of the cave. There's nothing derisive about it, though, nothing meant to offend— although if he feels offended by it is another matter entirely— and if it wasn't clear, the words that follow it in the next beat make it more immediately obvious: ]

Well. That makes two of us, then.

[ With another sigh, she twists in the bedroll, turning to face his back— it's a terrifying gesture, if she's honest, but with him still turned away from her, it feels safer, somehow. (Not that any of this is even remotely safe. Her brain, every instinct she has, is screaming at her to turn away once more, to mind her own business, to stay out of it—) ]

We're sworn to secrecy, aren't we? So if you want to talk about it, I'll listen.

[ Is it selfish to offer help to someone on the grounds that it will help you keep your mind off your own problems? Probably.

But right now, Eula is desperate. ]

... it's mainly pertaining to thoughts that keep striking me, though I'm not sure if I should mention it.

(Doing so would break that peace there is. Their problems now at this point were similar in that regard as he starts to wonder just how to go about this without causing her to realize it might potentially be about her. It's harder than he likes. He's not necessarily going to enjoy being the cause of a greater issue if it comes out.

Yet he's currently having a certain side of him flaring as if demanding he stop lying to himself, stop fooling himself in general by now with how it was going. But he won't. Not unless something made him say it. It's enough to make him wonder just how far he's lost his mind to dare think of this or really anything to do with her in such ways.

But... despite it he'd stare once more at the blizzard outside. She can't see his reactions which helps he thinks with this further.)

I'll be at most honest with this. This is nothing I'm use to, something I've always denied myself of to work myself to the bone for my objectives. I tell myself often times I don't need it, I'm not Kaeya in that regard, so I don't need it.

(By the pause it's getting uncomfortable for him to admit and yet...)

... it just reminds me of the fact I've chose to give up so much yet a part of me still screams out against my thoughts and judgment. I mentioned Kaeya knows the greater extent of what was done to my body, yes, but that's because he had to help me.

(And he didn't trust himself with others, he could ignore Kaeya's touch as much as he can ignore his own with patching up his own body. His eyes were closed, but he's forcing himself to not bring her into it fully.)

... though I feel foolish even now for talking about it.

[ Her eyebrows raise in response to the statement, and there's a weird knot in the pit of her stomach as her brain latches onto the words, and for a moment she's sure that she feels her heart speed up— although that's honestly just the cold, she tells herself, even as her brain keeps revisiting it. His thoughts, like hers, are wandering, and the way he speaks of it makes it sound like—

I'm not Kaeya in that regard

—Oh. It is.

While he may be avoiding saying it exactly, the way he moves from one topic to the next makes it clear to her, and that's bad because it brings all her own thoughts about their closeness rushing right back. The desire to reach for him is very sudden, very real, and it practically takes her physically holding her hand against her chest to avoid caving to it.

And while her body is aching to reach out, her usual defensive shell is insisting that she pretend to have successfully fallen asleep, or even to hit him and tell him that he's no better than his scumbag of a brother. But those options are just as bad in their own way— and far less honest than he deserves for having been as open with her as he has been just now.

She takes a deep, shaky breath. ]

It is just the cold, Ragnvindr. [ Despite the forced formality in her words, her voice cracks over it, a strange earnestness in her tone unlike any that anyone has heard from her; it's clear that she's trying to convince him as well as herself at this point, even as she presses on. ] When the air is as dangerous as it is now, it is only natural for our thoughts to move toward things that will help to warm us further.

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